I don’t know why, but I involuntarily pop up in my memory episodes of 20-30-45 years ago, long-forgotten and buried in the backyard memory. As I, for example, went over in kindergarten, at school, at the university or, for example, rude someone, I let me down.
It would seem what the point to remember all this, especially since no one remembers anything, and with those people with whom I behaved wrong, I have not communicated for a long time. At the same time, I am well aware that everyone was mistaken or fell into awkward situations. There was a lot of good things too, but I can’t praise myself, only I remember the bad and I am removable from all day with bad thoughts from all.
I have a good family (husband and adult daughter), I have a professional at work, they appreciate and respect me, they count with me. True, I have no close friends: who went
abroad many years ago, but who is already not alive. But I somehow do not strive to get closer to the new ones. There are no more parents, but when they were alive, our relationship left much to be desired.
Elena, hello! Well, where it is thin – it is torn there. It is unfortunate that these difficult experiences were so dragged on. Let’s see why it happened.
I don’t know exactly how the relationship with my parents did not go well, but the problem is definitely lies in them, since a scolding, which depreciating inner voice is, unfortunately, the words of significant adults. How they relate to you? Constantly scolded, humiliated? They demanded a lot? They did not forgive mistakes? This led to the fact that an unconscious fantasy appeared in your psyche that you are unworthy, “bad”, that you do not deserve to be happy. Therefore, at this stage of life, something provoked self-conference by loneliness.
I think that a couple of years ago a situation occurred, which launched a wave of destructive experiences. For something you did not forgive yourself and instead of self-support began to dissolve in negative. Question: What happened? The point of failure is most likely lies there.
And then you began to scold yourself, as if returning to childhood, where you suffered, were bad and wrong. It’s not even that you cannot forget some flaws of the past, but that you need any reason to cause yourself an emotional pain. And since you do not share this state with your spouse, you are not looking for friendly connections, you can still say about the need for destruction.
Try to understand what exactly has launched this destructive process, for which you still began to punish yourself, and also try to realize what exactly in childhood provoked the appearance of such a need to punish yourself. Try to discuss this with loved ones, friends, colleagues. Now it is very important for you to receive support and see what you really are not the only.
